Ewan reviews restaurants around his local area

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Call me a restaurant-er. Well, actually, don’t. Because I’m not. And I don’t even know what that word means. If you’re going to call me anything, call me a dipshit, because that’s what I am and it’s what I will actually notice people have called me. So I took it upon myself to go around the local area of¬†*AREA REDACTED AT REQUEST OF LEGAL TEAM* and review the local eateries, here is what I found.

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Ewan documents his Holiday

If you’re anything like me, you don’t like heights, planes, people, hot weather, paying lots of money for drinks and nightclubs. Oh and I’m claustrophobic, very introverted and if you put me in a public place I’ll assume the fetal position and cry until I’m killed by the Koreans. So it was to my utter joyous pleasure that I got a weeks vacation in the lovely, drunk fuelled giant nightclub that is Benidorm. So, I thought I’d document this vacation and share it with all the lovely person that will read this.

 

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Horrid Henry and the Communist Agenda

Long ago there was this thing called Horrid Henry. It was about a wizard or some shit, I dunno.¬†Anyway, the creator of that series asked me to make an alternate history book featuring Horrid Henry. I did my best, I created a Horrid Henry book where he was set in Russia, but they didn’t like it and burnt my work. So here I’m going to present to you the bits of the book that I managed to salvage for all to see. Enjoy.

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Tim Schafer’s Amnesia Fortnight

After recently being clubbed round the head after being mistaken for a seal, I was hit with about two weeks worth of amnesia. In that time of sanity, Tim Schafer came to visit me and proposed. Not to me, he proposed an idea to me. And that idea was one of epic proportions.

“Ewan!” he said to me (obviously). “I’ve had an amazing idea for a new way of making profit in my business, while at the same time boosting morale!”
“Dear Lord, Tim, dare I ask what this idea is?”
“No, you may not.”

And thus, Amnesia Fortnight was born.

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Ewan attempts to write a reality TV Show

So recently I saw my mam and dad watching Geordie Shore, a show about bumbling thick tosspots from Newcastle going out and getting shit faced to fuck anything that’s three tones of orange away from “Citrus Orange” and then they say “Whey aye man” as all people from Newcastle do. And I thought, if this money-making machine can leach onto any twat with an IQ lower than 45 then I want in on the shit show. I want my piece of the pie and a bit of money on the side. So I went to my local TV broadcasting station, and the conversation went a little bit like this…

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Ewan tries doing ASMR through the powers of text (Yet another satirical article, but this time does not push the boundaries of article titles, not as much as the first one did anyway)

HELLO, WELCOME TO AN ASMR TEXT ARTICLE. APPARENTLY THE FIRST RULE OF ASMR IS TO NOT YELL, IN THIS CASE, DO NOT TALK IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I’m terribly sorry about that, I didn’t notice the caps lock was on, and everyone knows, once you’ve written something down, you can never change it, especially when I’m writing on my laptop screen with permanent marker. Nevermind, if you’re like me, you can’t sleep. Maybe it’s because of the amount of Coke I drink, maybe it’s because I don’t need sleep because sleep is for the weak, whatever the case may be, I use ASMR to get a tingly feeling in my head, which is very difficult if you’re Richard Hammond.

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How Shigeru Miyamoto can make Nintendo into a powerful company again (A satirical article about love, hate, gaming and pushing the boundaries of character limits in article titles)

A warning from Will Watlington (my boss at Updownright): before reading this post I must warn you that the author, Ewan Gleadow must have been a bit, well, mental, while writing this. So please be sure to comment and give him a mental diagnosis. I’M NOT CRAZY, JUST A LITTLE OFF, LIKE MILK.

Anyone who steals this state of the art, not in any way satirical or comedic walkthrough of how Nintendo can rule the world will be shot. Survivors will be commended for their strength against bullets, then shot again.

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