Well wasn’t that a bloody awful year. Jesus Christ we’ve all had to deal with some awful events haven’t we? If it wasn’t bad enough, this article is going to look over some of the many things that happened this past year. Hopefully it reassures you that you’re lucky you survived. Or it’ll just mentally overwhelm you and you’ll start berating people in shopping centres. Either way my job is done.
The main thing that happened this year was death. Mainly celebrities. They’d probably thought they couldn’t be arsed with this year and decided to piss off upstairs to the metaphorical and illogical heaven based area. Out of everyone who died, here’s a list that actually had some impact on myself.
David Cameron’s Political Career
The European Union
Bloody hell, and that’s just one or two names from a very long list of who we lost this year. It is saddening, yes, but just remember, they’re the lucky ones. They wont have to deal with what 2017 has in store for us. Brexit will happen, Trump in power, oh God. We’ll talk about that later.
But that does move me nicely onto my next topic. Politics has been an interesting topic to talk about this year. And by interesting, I mean it’s divided two different countries in half. On one half you have logical, sensible people, on the other half you have people who were quite possibly dropped on their head as a child. The main thing for me and many other UK residents was Brexit. It was about retaking control of our borders! Yeah, that’ll show the people that are qualified to work in this country, you tell ’em Farage! But of course, it was then revealed that border control isn’t something really involved with Brexit. It was a big middle finger to both Leave and Remain.
Not only that, but the figureheads of the leave campaign(s) were so indescribably inept. From Boris Johnson touring the country in a big red bus thinking he was a roadie on tour to Michael Gove just in general being a prick and ruining everything he touches. Brexit also links in with the tragic death of Jo Cox, a pro EU MP who was shot dead by a leave voter. It was the first politician murdered for a politically motivated reason in decades. Nigel Farage had the audacity to say they’d won the campaign without a single shot being fired. People still vote for this man, no godly reason why. It’s probably all those bloody foreigners, coming over here, taking Polish jobs. How dare we function in a society like that.
On a more saddening note, I may as well just quote myself from the article I wrote on Brexit.
I’m quite genuinely fearful, confused, baffled, angered and saddened by the motion to leave the EU, (an organisation that we put very little money into when comparing it to the amount we send to fighting unnecessary wars) and by leaving those that have voted have formed the future of a generation that wasn’t allowed to have their opinion voiced in said votes. By 2019, it’ll be extremely difficult for us to find opportunities outside of England, where there is already too much competition and very little opportunity.
Boom, there we go, I don’t have to write anything for that bit but it increases the word count. Brilliant.
After Brexit collapsed and brought the country down with it, prime minister and everyday tool David Cameron resigned. He probably looked at everything that had transpired, thought “sod that”, and pissed off to enjoy his holiday. But we needed a new prime minister. In the running’s were a number of people:
Theresa May – A walking mannequin that advertises high heels
Liam Fox – Who wasn’t there for very long. Ironic that the Tories killed off Fox’s campaign first, their relationship with fox hunting is ever stronger I suppose
Stephen Crabb – Sort of looked like that bloke from the Hunger Games
Andrea Leadsom – Had to wikipedia who she was when I heard her name and I guess she did too to figure out what she actually did. Shot herself and her campaign in the head when she said she’d be better than Theresa because she has children
Michael Gove – Ruined the education system, ruined Brexit, wanted to ruin the country. Stabbed Boris Johnson in the back so he could run and has now made himself the most untrusted man in politics
Theresa won, she’s useless. But to be fair, if she stays away from all farm animals she’ll do miles better than Cameron.
But that’s not all, the Presidential elections also happened. Trump won, by alienating women, most ethnic groups, the poor, men, children, other countries, basically anyone that wasn’t Russian and called “Vladimir Putin”. Yes in an unsurprising turn of events it turned out that Russia and Putin had stepped in to secure Donald Trump the vote. This is democratic fraud and a revote should happen. But because the world and the people in it are morons, yes, even you reading this article, nothing is going to be done about it.
Donald Trump could enter a room, right hook a pensioner, slap the Queen and wipe his arse with a baby and people would still vote for him. Why? Because that’s the sort of thing that kept him relevant. By doing all this crazy shit and saying these horrible things Trump managed to keep the media attention on him. Trump was in the media a lot more than Hillary was because he was more controversial. That’s ultimately what won him the presidency. It’s not his policies or his “charm”, it’s the fact that he says what he wants and doesn’t care about the consequences.
People argued a vote for Donald was a “vote for change”. Yes, I do suppose it’s a change, having someone that isn’t qualified in any way to run the country. “But he’s a businessman”, one that has been bankrupt five times. These are scary times we live in.
But enough about politics, you’ll probably want to know whats happening in the media, I know I do. Movies and games and stuff.
Well, Pokemon Go came out, personally I wish it would Pokemon Go the fuck away. Ironically, it did. Barely anyone is playing it anymore because people realised it’s a pile of shit. Yes apparently pratting around on your phone throwing your balls at animals in a park wasn’t as entertaining as it used to be. It was a lot more fun without a phone if I’m honest.
In the movie business, DiCaprio finally won an Oscar. For doing what you may ask? Well, I watched The Revenant and the reason I think he won the Oscar is because the man is willing to do anything for it. He fell off a cliff, nearly drowned, was attacked by a bear, killed several people and got naked so he could sleep in a horse. Personally I would’ve given the Oscar to Bryan Cranston for Trumbo, but you know, you win some you lose some I guess.
Now to a bit more of a dreary topic, terrorism. There were quite a few terrorist attacks this year, an unprecedented amount. Notably, the Russian Ambassador was shot dead, putting strain on an already breaking relationship between Russia and Turkey. Last time something this similar happened, WW1 broke out.
But hey, we have 2017 to look forward too, right? Wrong. Here’s a reminder of a few things that will be happening in 2017:
– Trump will be President of the United States
– We’re all older
– Many more celebrity deaths
– More terrorist attacks
– More ridiculously horrible events will occur
Our only escape is the hope that the sun implodes earlier than expected and wipes out the planet.
Happy new year everyone.