Kynren Review

History. That’s what Kynren is apparently. A two hour (ish) spectacle of fireworks, the history of County Durham and a lot of dancing and shit. Gonna be proper good innit? Well, in traditional fashion I wasn’t looking forward to it. Mainly because it was bloody freezing and I was sat about for an hour or two waiting for the cocking thing to start. But that doesn’t matter, does it?

Well it does, because thanks to Kynren I have a cold, so it better have been worth my time.

So Kynren is Bishop Auckland’s re-enactment of Game of Thrones Live, or so I thought. It’s actually closer to a condensed version of all four seasons of Blackadder. It starts with this little kid running across a field kicking a ball, and then he kicked the ball and an old man shouts at him. Then he nicks a sword and flings it in the water to open a time portal that takes him back in time because his name is Arthur no I’m not making this up leave me alone next paragraph.

Visually wise it was truly stunning. The lighting, the fireworks, the attention to detail, it was all done to perfection. There were one or two minor blips such as not being able to hear some people speak because the music was too loud and one of the knights didn’t hit a shield with a massive stick properly and everyone booed him, but other than that everything went well. It really did.

It shows how the north was invaded by literally everyone. Romans, Vikings, the Norwegians, Scotland, goats, an underwater tree, some monks and a table. Everyone’s kicked the shit out of Britain at some point and we’ve went ahead and sent them back to where they came from, I think.

Now being that it was focusing on Northern history, there’s only so much you can do without dividing opinion. It really focused on military history and showed how good we were at being invaded, but that’s all it really did. Military. There was no cultural or political history being presented. There was no giant cardboard statue of Margaret Thatcher being drowned in the lake for closing the coal mines and no mentioning of Open All Hours and the character Arkwright. If you’re a fan of military history then I suppose this is the show for you, but if you’re looking for something to do with overall history then this may leave you a little unsatisfied.

And again, focusing on northern history leaves a couple of major things out that would’ve indefinitely had an impact on the north. For example, the entirety of World War 2. Nothing was mentioned of it for some reason and it was strange. It was even stranger when Hulk Hogan kicked the door of the house out and started leg dropping the cast and crew of Kynren. Let’s see if you can guess which bit I made up.

It was overpriced. Not the seats, they were extremely cheap. Food and drink literally cost you an arm and a leg. £2.20 for a bottle of Coke and £4.50 for a bacon sandwich. You weren’t allowed to bring food or drink yourself either so clearly the people in charge are being very stingy with their prices. Pretty sure you know they’re over charging for food when the ice cream man was wearing a Rolex watch.

There were actually quite a few seats available too. Mainly where I was sat, because they were the cheap seats. Because I’m a cheap person. Kynren itself was extremely patriotic. It showed that every time any northerner has done anything ever they get their own five minute dance routine and fireworks show just to make it seem like they accomplished something.

To be quite honest, Kynren made me feel proud to be 70% British. The other 30% being sugar. Yeah the diet is going well thanks for asking. Anyway, the show was a triumph and I actually learned a thing or two about history that I didn’t know before this event. For example, did you know that they had fireworks in the early days of Rome? No, neither did I, but apparently they had flares and camera men as well.

Oh yeah, from my seat I could see the generator and the wire being used to pull everything up out of the water, this would be a bad thing but I was actually quite interested as to how they’ve tricked the water into allowing them to stick a tree, a boat, a mine shaft and a road into a small pond all at the same time without it breaking.

Surprisingly, it was phenomenal. The entire show was truly breathtaking. I’m genuinely quite surprised I enjoyed it. I’m glad Kynren opened up in Bishop Auckland, because before it opened the only attraction of Bishop was being able to buy a kebab that’d make you shit out a lung.

Kynren gets a 10/10.

Go away.


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