The E3 Electric Boogaloo Super Roundup Bonanza 2016

Right, okay, so, my ban of talking about E3 has been lifted. Well, I say ban, I prevented myself from watching it while other, better writers than myself covered the event so I wouldn’t get dragged in with the rest of the pile, so now that the hype has deflated I’m going to go and watch the E3 conferences and talk about what I saw. I will be doing a plus one for good things and a minus one for negative things, so whoever has the highest amount of points wins. What do they win? God knows.

EA

Titanfall 2 and a singleplayer campaign.

Something that made me very happy is the fact that Titanfall 2 will contain a single player campaign. I know it’ll be shit, but I’m glad that they’ve finally realised that multiplayer and a linear story do not work. But to be fair it wont work regardless of what they do for Titanfall 2, the plot will be extremely poor either way.

They are however fucking us with the extortionate $249.99 price tag on the special edition and for what you get it’s really not worth it. But it’s not about the ridiculous price, is it going to be good or not? God no, I hated the first game, but they’re learning from their mistakes, which is a first for EA.

+ 1 Point

Mass Effect Andromeda

Now this is a game I’m not looking forward to and at the same time looking extremely forward to. I don’t know if I’m a fan of Mass Effect or not, I’ve played a small portion of the first game and a good chunk of the second game and I did enjoy my experience, I’ve still yet to play through them properly but I’ll get round to it eventually. I’m looking forward to it, there’s another positive.

Too bad the video they showed tells us nothing about anything, but you know, I’m feeling nice.

+ 1 Point

EA and Zoink announce Fe

I don’t like platformers. I don’t like the look of this either. “All of the profit the game makes will go back into the hands of the developers”. No, no it wont. EA will end up buying the company out so they can make some money or something equally as devious

– 1 Point

Battlefield 1

Like you probably know, I was skeptical when I saw the initial trailer for this game as it showed us nothing about the actual gameplay, could’ve shown a photo of a roast turkey the amount of use it was to me. So I refused to comment on it. But now they’ve released a trailer that I can comment on, so here goes.

AAAH MY GOD LOOK AT IT IT’S ALL LOVELY AND WORLD WAR ONE AND IT’S NOT GRITTY MODERN REALISM AND IT’S GOT PIGEONS AND SHIT AHHHHH

+ 1 Point

EA’s Total Points: 3

Very impressive, probably EA’s best E3 presentation in a long while. Don’t worry though, they’ll dick us over soon.

Bethesda

Wolfenstein: The New Colossus

No gameplay was shown, so I can’t comment on anything, but I’m still going to give it a point because if it’s anywhere near as good as The New Order then we’ll be in for a major treat. But if it’s like The Old Blood it’ll be a shit sandwich

+ 1 Point

Quake Champions

The trailer makes it look like it’s trying to rip off Unreal Tournament and I’ve never been a fan of Quake. Bethesda seems to be remaking all of its old IP’s, Quake is one they should have just left alone.

– 1 Point

The Elder Scrolls: Legends

“Free to Play Strategy Card Game”

– 1 Point

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim Special Edition

A re-release of Skyrim for next-gen consoles is one of the few things I, and many others have been wanting for quite some time now and it looks like our wish has finally been granted. Too bad it looks shit. Somehow it looks worse than the 360 version. But graphics don’t matter in this case, I think people will chop their arms off just to play Skyrim on the Xbox One, myself included

+ 1 Point

Prey

I’m 85% sure Prey is an Xbox 360 game from way back, and then it got cancelled and now it’s back. I may be thinking of a different game but it does look impressive and I might buy it sometime when the price has dropped to £5

+ 1 Point

Doom “Unto the Evil” DLC

Haven’t had the chance to play Doom yet, but with the release of this DLC it also adds a lot of free stuff including new gamemodes, so I don’t see a problem with that whatsoever

+ 1 Point

Dishonoured 2

Hated the first one, it’s £79.99 for the Collectors Edition of the game and it comes with a statue of Skeletor or some shit. Not looking forward to it, couldn’t care less.

– 1 Point

Bethesda’s Total Points: 2

Xbox and Windows 10

Xbox One S

No, I’m not paying for a product I already own so don’t bother asking me if I’m going to get this. However, if you don’t have an Xbox this seems to be a good way of getting into the system, however let’s just see how Project Scorpio goes before making any real investment into this

+ 1 Point

Gears of War 4 Coming to PC – Cross-buy with Xbox One

Now, cross-buying is new. It basically means if you buy it on Xbox One you can play it on PC and vice versa, that’s genuinely quite good. You’re basically getting two copies of the game for the price of one. However it’s Gears of War 4, if you want to play any of the previous games you’ll need an Xbox one or 360 and to be honest Gears of War isn’t very good and by now it should be dead.

– 1 Point

General RAAM added to Killer Instinct

For those who don’t know, myself included in this, General RAAM is a thing from Gears of War and much like the Arbiter, is being added to Killer Instinct because Microsoft said so. Apparently it’s free for this week but who knows if that’s permanent or not and I honestly don’t give one. Still, another character is something good I guess, even if it doesn’t fit in with the actual lore of the game.

– 1 Point

Forza Horizon 3 Announced for PC and Xbox One

Another Forza game? Uh, yeah, sure, I couldn’t care less about this, I don’t like racing games. The graphics are nice though, I would probably recommend it if I base it off of the graphics alone. Which I don’t.

– 1 Point

ReCore

ReCore seems to be a new, fresh IP. However by looking at the video, again, it’s just stock footage of something not related to the game, unless the game looks like that all the time, which it doesn’t. So again, I refuse to comment on the trailer. It’s from the people who made the “critically acclaimed” Metroid Prime series, I wouldn’t know, haven’t played it, IGN gave it a 9.8/10 but it’s IGN which is like asking your local Subway employee what they though of the new vegan sandwich.

– 1 Point

Microsoft unveils a list of new features for Xbox Live

So instead of doing these as separate I thought I’d just go over them all because they’re all equally as bad. Clubs seems to be the big one here, it’s basically like a permanent party chat and will provide no use whatsoever. Looking for a group on Xbox Live is “the easiest way to connect with gamers”. It really isn’t, that title still belongs and always will belong to TrueAchievements, a community that has brought together thousands upon thousands of players that all have the same interests in gaming.

For Xbox to boast so much and then deliver something so half arsed it seems extremely laughable and considering there are already simple systems in place that are much better, it makes it completely redundant.

Arena is basically an MLG league so sod that. Also Cross-Play for Xbox One and Windows 10, however the minute supply of those wanting to play with people on another platform is extremely minuscule, however it’ll help me boost games such as Gears of War 4 if I need to.

– 1 Point

Gwent: The Witcher Card Game

Another card game, another thing I don’t give a shit about and I’m honestly not sure why they announced this at the Xbox conference, maybe it’ll be an exclu-

Oh.

– 1 Point

We Happy Few

People who take happy pills and then someone stops and they see the dystopian world they live in. Stuff like this is really interesting and I love stuff like that and I’m definitely going to buy it. All is not lost.

+ 1 Point

Dead Rising 4

I have yet to play Dead Rising 3, but the first two in the series were absolutely fantastic and I’m still looking forward to playing Dead Rising 3, and now Dead Rising 4.

+ 1 Point

Scalebound

It seems like that Dragon Dogma game, but not as good. I like RPG’s but to be honest with Neverwinter being a F2P game on Xbox, it’s going to be hard to trump that. It’s dragons and an RPG, I’m sure people will like it, but Skyrim and Neverwinter will dominate it, but it’d be nice to see how it is.

+ 1 Point

Sea of Thieves

https://ewanrants.wordpress.com/2016/04/25/ewan-rants-sea-of-thieves/

– 1 Point

State of Decay 2

Okay, so State of Decay was originally released on Xbox 360, then the One Year Anniversary edition was released on Xbox One. From the small amount I’ve played of it, it was very enjoyable, however I haven’t had the chance to purchase it myself. However by looking at the article on this it should be pretty much the same as before, and I have no problem with that.

+ 1 Point

Halo Wars 2

I had the chance to play the beta, wait until next week to see my thoughts on that, but for now, I’ll leave you with this

– 1 Point

Project Scorpio

Ewan, what is Project Scorpio and why should I care? Fucked if I know

– 1 Point

Alright alright I’m joking. It’s basically a 4K graphics chip. I don’t really care much for graphics. So, uh

– 1 Point

Crackdown 3

It wasn’t at E3, so I mean, I can’t say anything.

Neutral Point: 0

Phantom Dust

A game that was originally on the original Xbox, now being dug out of the grave and slapped onto the Xbox One. No clue what it is, couldn’t see much of the trailer either and I have no clue what Phantom Dust is. Looks like Fantasy and shit. Many will like it, I will not.

– 1 Point

Dead Rising 4 is a One-Year Timed Exclusive

– 1 Point

Microsoft’s Total Points: -6

Ubisoft

Now Ubisoft has been fairly bad of late, so I’m going to start it with -5 points.

Ghost Recon: Wildlands

So to kick things off, Ghost Recon: Wildlands. Much like Tom Clancy’s The Division it seems to be some form of MMO. I like MMO’s. So I mean, let’s just wait and see. It looks nice and Tom Clancy games seem good usually.

+ 1 Point

South Park: The Fractured But Hole

Again, I’ve never had the chance to play The Stick of Truth, however if you buy Fractured But Hole before March 31st you get The Stick of Truth for free, which is fantastic so I might have to give them an extra point for that because that’s how you give an incentive to someone.

As for South Park, it’s pretty good, I’ve never watched it before, but it’s sort of okay. I mean, I’m looking forward to it.

+ 2 Points

Eagle Flight

Now, this game is VR, so I wont play it. I can’t. Don’t have the space for VR, unless I play it in the middle of a field. Now from the gameplay provided it looks like an open air flight simulator, fairly good. I mean, looks enjoyable.

+ 1 Point

Star Trek: Bridge Crew

Another VR Game. But Star Trek and Virtual Reality is a recipe for success.

+ 1 Point

For Honour

Jesus Christ it looks like a good old-fashioned Chivalry-esq game where I can slice people up as a viking. No gameplay, but the concept alone is phenomenal.

+ 1 Point

Grow Up

It’s been announced for PS4, Xbox One and PC and it’s a follow-up to Grow Home, which from what I can remember is quite a good game. Ubisoft is really sorting their act out this year.

+ 1 Point

Trials of the Blood Dragon

It’s more of the Trials games. That shit is fun.

+ 1 Point

Watch Dogs 2

Oh, oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Nope. Watch Dogs was shit. Watch Dogs 2 will follow the chain of command and also be as shit.

– 1 Point

Steep

An open world sports game eh? Well, I mean, it’s initiative and impressive enough to make me interested. Hats off to Ubisoft for coming up with a new IP and mixing two things that generally don’t work together.

+ 1 Point

Beyond Good and Evil 2 is still on its way

I loved the first one and I’m sure my friend will be equally as excited. The fact that it’s still on the way is also fantastic so I’m looking forward to that.

+ 1 Point

Ubisofts Total Points: 9

Playstation

Playstation is taking the literal piss with the number of announcements, so I think for the sake of my sanity I’m just going to finish this article tomorrow.

Horizon: Zero Dawn

Techno Robot’s in a forest RPG. It looks amazing, I’m hoping that’s actual gameplay, because if it is then I’m extremely impressed.

+ 1 Point

World of Final Fantasy

Final Fantasy, a once prestigious series, has been turned into JRPG teenage anime fans running around to see who can get the most spikes in their hair, with this game being no exception to that rule. The problem as far as I can tell by looking at the Final Fantasy games is that it’s trying to go for a very serious, overarching story tone, but that’s difficult to do when all the characters look like they’ve been pulled straight from the depths of anime fandom hell.

Also the game looks shit

– 1 Point

Kingdom Hearts HD 2.8

2.8? Two point fucking eight? What does that even mean. There is no hope for playing this series in order, they’re taking the piss now and the games are supposed to be pretty good, but I’ve never liked Kingdom Hearts or Disney

– 1 Point

Tethered

A strategy game for VR, now that’s something I can get behind. It looks, uh, interesting. But still, another game for VR is another thousand people happy and people are always trying new things with it which I’m always supportive of.

+ 1 Point

Some anime shit coming to America

– 1 Point

More anime shit for America

– 1 Point

More an-ah fuck it.

Playstation’s Total Points: ???

Nintendo

Let’s just wrap it up, Nintendo please for the love of God no anime or I’ll pull the plug on your life support.

Harvest Moon: Skytree

Harvest Moon is one of those games that I see the appeal of and have never had the chance to play. It’s out for 3DS sometime and to be honest it doesn’t look too bad.

+ 1 Point

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

It looks good, the art style reminds me of Wind Waker. Now, I’ve never actually played a Zelda game, so I don’t know whether or not to be excited by this, but I’m gonna go in with a positive attitude and think about purchasing it.

+ 1 Point

Ace Attorney: Sp-

+ 1 Point

Mario Party: Star Rush Announced for 3DS

Oh Mario Party, you stopped being good after 7. I did enjoy the DS version of the game though as the stylus minigames were very responsive and overall I enjoy playing Mario Party without other people, however the DS included multiplayer and I did play a few games of that and found it very enjoyable.

I’m not sure what to think of Mario Party. After playing Mario Party 10 I was left with a sour feeling towards Mario Party, however this one seems to be a small edge in the right direction, everyone moves at once, that’ll be interesting to see.

+ 1 Point

Paper Mario: Colour Splash

Just give us Thousand Year Door 2 Nintendo for Christ’s sake.

– 1 Point

A new kind of Mario

You mean he wont be partaking in some form of sporting activity or jumping on turtles anymore? Interesting, however they didn’t actually show anything and said they would next year, they only hinted at it.

– 1 Point

Nintendo’s Total Points: 2

And that about wraps up E3, there’s a lot more to talk about, but considering E3 was basically last week and I’m almost at three thousand words, let’s just stop.

Final Leaderboard

Ubisoft: 6
EA: 3
Bethesda: 2
Nintendo: 2
Microsoft: -6
Playstation: ???

Jesus Christ, Ubisoft and EA, two horrible companies, have come out on top and left me feeling optimistic about their products, something must be wrong there. See you next year.

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