So recently I saw my mam and dad watching Geordie Shore, a show about bumbling thick tosspots from Newcastle going out and getting shit faced to fuck anything that’s three tones of orange away from “Citrus Orange” and then they say “Whey aye man” as all people from Newcastle do. And I thought, if this money-making machine can leach onto any twat with an IQ lower than 45 then I want in on the shit show. I want my piece of the pie and a bit of money on the side. So I went to my local TV broadcasting station, and the conversation went a little bit like this…
Ewan: Hello, I’m Ewan, I called earlier about a new TV Show?
TV Man: Ah yes I remember, the nervous wreck who kept stumbling over his words, yeah, yeah, take a seat. So, what’s the idea for the new show?
Ewan: Well, actually I’ve had a couple of ideas about a number of different things.
TV Man: Excellent, as long as we can slap some gormless bastards into it then we can make enough money to build a rocket made out of cheese on a one way course to Mars.
Ewan: Actually I was thinking it could be a bit more sophisticated than that.
TV Man: Not a chance. That wouldn’t work in a popular environment.
Ewan: But it’s based on the extremely popular game series Fallout and I’ve already planned out the first episode and who would be cast and why, along with creating a rich story that links in with the games.
TV Man: Nah, it’s shite, anything else?
Ewan: Well, I did have this idea to do with sketch shows…
TV Man: I’m listening
Ewan: Well, take the very best sketch shows, so for example Monty Python and Mitchell and Webb, then take the very best sketches from these shows and re-perform them with the same actors and in HD cameras and so on.
TV Man: So it’d basically be a way of revitalising and commemorating the best of British humour?
TV Man: Nah, it’s bollocks, I’m running out patience here you stupid cunt, so you better come up with something good.
Ewan: How about a reality TV Show?
TV Man: There’s plenty of those, Big Brother, Geordie Shore, Made in Chelsea, The Only Way is Essex, Blackadder, what makes yours so special?
Ewan: Well a number of things actually.
TV Man: Would you care to name a few of them?
Ewan: For a start, it would be an elimination system similar to that of Big Brother, but instead of being evicted they all have explosive collars on and when evicted they go all Battle Royale and their collars explode, splashing orange everywhere.
TV Man: Christ Ewan, that’s a bit barbaric isn’t it?
Ewan: Nah, they’re all thickos that we can pick up off of any street in Clapham.
TV Man: Alright, fair enough, it’s a good start, but what else have you got?
Ewan: Well, the winner will receive a lifetime supply of fake tan.
TV Man: Fucking sold, where do I sign?
Now this very real conversation happened not so long ago, and you can catch The Only Way is Purging The Thickos on BBC 4 at 1:30am, I think I’ve been buggered by the listing times, but hopefully it does well, I’m getting paid in ice cream and Um Bongo.