Ewan talks Politics…again…

This is the last one, I promise. Well, this promise is about as useful as Nick Clegg’s promises, but you know what I mean. I like writing politics, I feel I represent the general person because I do surprisingly understand a good chunk of what’s going on and I want to make it simplistic as possible so as many people can understand. Now I’m not calling you all thick shits, don’t take it like that you thick shits. Anyway, let’s get on with it, there’s a lot to cover and I want to get back to watching Bottom for the fifth time.

So quite a bit has happened in the past few weeks of politics. The UK is thinking about breaking up with the rest of Europe, it turns out David Cameron has lots of illegal money and the Iceland government stepped down to spend the rest of their life as a dance act that will travel the equator, apparently. I’ll talk about American politics too, because it turns out Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, Donald Trump’s hair is inhabiting a small colony of Mexicans and Bernie Sanders is related to Kim Jong Un, or that’s what the news probably want you to think.

Right, let’s kick it off with the whole Britain/EU leaving thing. What does this mean for Britain? Or more importantly, you. Or even more importantly, me. Well, for those of you who don’t know, the EU is basically a club house of 28 countries, all pooling their money together to be able to pull Greece out of its annual bankruptcy. If we left the EU, it basically means it’ll be a lot more difficult for us to make money due to the loss of trade, investment and overall security of the country. However on the plus side we don’t have to pull every country in debt out of it.

Obviously the loss of trade is bad, we’re in a recession as it is and going further in will lead us to the dystopian apocalypse we’re mostly fearing but I can’t wait for. To be honest, the news hasn’t done a good job of making it clear “this is good” or “this is bad”, so I doubt people will bother going into extensive research and figuring out if it’s a good idea or bad idea to leave the EU…like I have done.

Now, I wont show my working, but the United Kingdom should stay in the EU, but not for the reason you’re thinking. If we leave the EU, then Scotland will try to have another referendum and want independence. Considering that caused a social divide in Scotland, they might see this as their chance to become independent and re-join the EU. Then it’s just England, Wales and a bit of Ireland. So if you do want to vote, we may as well stay in the EU. It’s good to have a collective group of countries working together to fix our problems.

A problem shared is a problem halved.

Now, onto Jeremy Corbyn. There’s been quite a lot of criticism over the way he dresses. Now considering he dresses like an un-trendy school substitute teacher, I guess a lot of people will have a problem with how he looks, but to be honest this has no effect on his capability to lead the Labour party or become Prime Minister. Now when Corbyn was first elected as Labour party leader there was a media outbreak. Millions of people up, left, down and right of the country going ballistic. But I don’t understand the anger or shock.

Corbyn was put into the Labour Party Leader Race for Life 2015 very late on and he won the vote by 59%, compared to Andy Burnham’s 19% and the other two coming in at a collective percentage that will make the other numbers add up to 100%. 2% and 20% work. I think. Yeah, but it’s not as simple as that because those aren’t the percentages for the other two, who as it turns out were Barry Chuckle and the Frosties Monster.

But what was a media outcry has now turned into media praise by the looks of things. Jeremy is as popular as ever and now thanks to the Panama crisis and Cameron, things are all coming up Corbyn.

However, it’s not all good…

Now that should put off potential Labour voters.

Anyway, onto the Panama stuff and David Cameron. Long story short, Cameron endorsed some illegal money from his father, Fuhrer Cameron a while back and managed to make almost £32,000 out of the whole deal. Although he has admitted to this, Parliament are not going to look into it. Which I think is fair enough. He’s admitted to having the funds in his account and having them. That sort of put everyone into a state of shock and now nobody knows what the hell to do, so he’s off the hook for now. The Panama case also offered a decent coverup for Cameron and that pig, but we all remember that Dave.

But let’s move away from British politics, mainly because it makes me want to talk about more interesting things. Like American politics for example. Now with the fate of America pretty much being left down to either madman Hitler-esq, Donald “The Destroyer” Trump on one side and Bernie Sandman on the other, it’s a battle to the death, officiated by a slightly older Barack Obama and Hilary Clintonator is on the side trying to hit Bernie Sandman with a cricket bat.

That’s basically what I’ve gathered about American politics these last few weeks. If Trump gets into power then we’re doomed, if Sanders gets into power then we’re fine and America will be too stoned to notice that they’re doomed. Hilary-Clint Eastwood would also doom the country, mainly because she’d bore them to death, but other than that there’s nobody we can trust.

Well, there is one man…

Yes it seems the American version of Ed Miliband has caused quite a stir in the media these days, donning the role of The Zodiac Killer. For those of you who don’t know who The Zodiac Killer was, he was a killer named Zodiac, and somehow people have come to the conclusion of “Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer”. Now I thought it was just going to be some joke that would go away after a while. But even Ted Cruz has hinted towards he himself being the killer, and we’re not sure if it was satire or not.

To be honest, running with the whole “Zodiac Killer” gag was quite a smart move by Ted Cruz and has actually made him quite popular.

But hang on a second. If Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer then that must mean…

Oh my God!


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