Ewan tries doing ASMR through the powers of text (Yet another satirical article, but this time does not push the boundaries of article titles, not as much as the first one did anyway)

HELLO, WELCOME TO AN ASMR TEXT ARTICLE. APPARENTLY THE FIRST RULE OF ASMR IS TO NOT YELL, IN THIS CASE, DO NOT TALK IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I’m terribly sorry about that, I didn’t notice the caps lock was on, and everyone knows, once you’ve written something down, you can never change it, especially when I’m writing on my laptop screen with permanent marker. Nevermind, if you’re like me, you can’t sleep. Maybe it’s because of the amount of Coke I drink, maybe it’s because I don’t need sleep because sleep is for the weak, whatever the case may be, I use ASMR to get a tingly feeling in my head, which is very difficult if you’re Richard Hammond.

Now what we’re going to do is run a very nice experiment, I want to see if you can instigate an ASMR feeling through reading. I know I like to read, well, I say read, I look at the pictures and it makes a bit of sense, but words escape me, you can probably tell by how shit my writing is. Anyway, let’s see if we can somehow initiate a feeling of relaxation, if I can do that, I can die unhappy, knowing I helped someone for the better in this world.

I’ve found a simplistic guide on what you should do for ASMR, so I’ll try to incorporate these methods into this article. Now the first thing you should know is that certain things will trigger your ASMR, no not that type of triggering, the good type of triggering.

You could get tingles from anything as simple as me tapping a cup next to your ear as I whisper gospel messages and spout the word of Catholicism and how ASMR is sinful, but I can’t tap anything. So what I want you to is tap your desk, computer screen, mouse, monitor, dog, children, knife, anything nearby, just tap it very gently at a nice medium tempo of about 5MPH. If that’s not working for you then don’t worry, it just means you’re a lizard person.

Another way of making ASMR tingles is through the use of objects. We don’t just get to tap things, no no, we get to use simple, everyday items like bottles and such. Grab your nearest bottle. For me I’ve got a box filled with Coca Cola. I tell you, if Coke could kill you, then I’d be dead for sure and if it was alcoholic, I’d be drunk. Now get the bottle top, unscrew it lightly and begin sticking it in your ear. That’s right, to get the most tingles, just get close to where the tingles should be. Cram as much of that bottle in your ear as you can. When you’ve fit enough of the bottle in for you to be able to let go and allow it to stick there, congratulations, you’re a fucking moron.

A third way of making tingles is through the use of visually calming items. I haven’t really got anything visually pleasing, so I’ll just list a few visually pleasing items.

A calming waterfall
A sweet, calming puppy
The sweet, calming embrace of death
Evanescence songs
Adam Sandler
A dimly lit room
Soft, inaudible whispering
Soft, inaudible murder

Wow, I feel calmer already. I hope that worked for you. There’s still a couple of other things we can try. So let’s give them a whirl. I did come up with my own method of ASMR. If you get a sharp object, stick it close to your ear. Now unlike the bottle, don’t stick it in your ear. If you did that, it’d probably hurt. Nah, just tap that shit like there’s no tomorrow. Change the tempo if you like, change how fast or slow you go, as long as it’s metallic, it should make a pretty nice tapping sound. Hopefully that brings some comfort, however you might be on edge considering you’ve got a sharp object next to your fucking ear, oh god, put it down, I can’t be responsible for another one.

The calmness has definitely passed, I’m feeling much tenser now. I’m not an expert at this stuff, so what I’m going to recommend is not listening to me. Listening to a video is definitely the way to go, don’t bother with this new fan-dangled writing style. Just bugger off while I clean things up.

In all seriousness, while on the subject of ASMR I would like to recommend one of my absolute favourite’s for ASMR content creators. Ephemeral Rift, an absolutely superb content creator and has helped me drift off to sleep and relax in stressful times numerous amounts of times. I listen to his videos while writing and it’s so soothing. Here’s a link to his channel and his Twitter account, be sure to subscribe to him and follow him on there, I can’t recommend him enough.

He’ll probably do a better job than I have, the professionals usually do.


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