How Shigeru Miyamoto can make Nintendo into a powerful company again (A satirical article about love, hate, gaming and pushing the boundaries of character limits in article titles)

A warning from Will Watlington (my boss at Updownright): before reading this post I must warn you that the author, Ewan Gleadow must have been a bit, well, mental, while writing this. So please be sure to comment and give him a mental diagnosis. I’M NOT CRAZY, JUST A LITTLE OFF, LIKE MILK.

Anyone who steals this state of the art, not in any way satirical or comedic walkthrough of how Nintendo can rule the world will be shot. Survivors will be commended for their strength against bullets, then shot again.

Now, we all know Nintendo’s been a bit down on its luck recently, Xbox and Playstation have destroyed the market, the OUYA is apparently still a thing and to be quite honest it looks like the Wii U hasn’t done very well. So I’ve taken the liberty of helping out our dear friend Shigeru Miyamoto into making Nintendo a successful company once more! You’re welcome! I’ll take 10% of the Nintendo market share before we start, then a further 60% when I’m done.

The first thing you’re gonna want to do is get two eggs and about 200g of flour actually buy SEGA. Yep, your old rival, the one with that hedgehog that probably shit on you a few times and then Playstation hit it with its car sometime in the late 90s and now it’s never really been able to pick itself up from there. Buy all of their assets, even the broken Hedgehog. Now that you’ve acquired these gaming franchises, start making some new Sonic/Alex Kidd/Crazy Taxi games that are Wii U exclusive. None of that 3DS bullshit, give them Super Monkey Ball or some shit, we’re trying to convince people to buy Wii U’s here, it’s all fine and well to have handhelds but that’s not the focus here Miyamoto.

Now that you’ve hopefully amassed what I can only assume is about £13.68 with all those Sonic sales, you’re gonna want to revive THQ, the reason being is they’ll publish literally any old shit you throw at them, you’ll need them for later when Sonic Team starts work on Sonic Boom 2 and all that DLC. I’m pretty sure THQ own the rights to Wheel of Fortune, Destroy all Humans and Darksiders so get them to work on all of those. Actually, while you’re just buying companies on the good word of Ewan, go buy Pandemic, I know it closed it’s doors but go and grab them, they’re talented people.

You’re gonna be missing that big pile of cash you’re sat on, I’m hoping Pandemic/SEGA and THQ are doing good for yah, hopefully not as useless as we all know SEGA to be. This next step is a bit tricky seeing as though the rights to this game are lost in “the void”, but buy the rights to Crash Bandicoot. Yeah, you know the one, your son Mario and that thing had a fight at one point and Playstation came out of nowhere and started screaming “Naughty dog!” even though it was definitely a raccoon or some shit. Anyway, go get that furry thing and make him the most badass dating simulator platformer/action/adventure whatever you think is good, I trust yah with this Nintendo.

Hopefully if you don’t cock everything up, the original owners of this wombat will hurry up and come to collect him and you’ll expect the usual reward of £50 for finding someone’s pet. That isn’t the case here though, you’re actually gonna kidnap the CEO of Naughty Dog. Torture him until he merges Naughty Dog with Nintendo and makes Uncharted a Wii U exclusive, that’ll teach Playstation for knocking over your now beloved blue, crippled hedgehog that you can buy merchandise for, at the low price of £13.99 *wink*

Now that you’ve got the Uncharted series under your belt, a majority of Playstation users will probably think “Nolan North, no!” and hop over to Wii U, increasing it’s sales exponentially. Start allowing indie games onto the Wii U at around this time, because that’s one of the few things the PS4 will have that the Wii U doesn’t. Buy out some indie developers, the guy’s who made Braid, Limbo, Thomas Was Alone, all that good stuff. Also, buy Sarah Northaway’s company, I don’t think that’s her exact name but she’s the one that made the Rebuild series and that series is absolutely fantastic, just stick it on the Wii U store and slap a $9.99 price tag on it like you usually do. Hopefully that’ll grab some attention (and hopefully the mysterious disappearance of-) Wait, ah christ, Naughty Dog have co-presidents. Alright, don’t panic, just brain one of them with the hammer in your desk and trap the other one in the “fun house”. Have you done that? Yeah? Good.

I hope I don’t have to remind you to make games too, because this next bit may cost a bit of money, you’re going to want to buy the following:

  • SNK Playmore so we can get some Metal Slug onto the Wii U
  • Harmonix so we can make Guitar Hero games a Wii U exclusive
  • Traveller’s Tales so we can make the LEGO games a Wii U exclusive
  • Telltale Games because why not and they can make Walking Dead S3 an exclusive
  • PopCap so we can make Plants Vs Zombie games against their will as a Wii U exclusive

Hopefully that doesn’t completely bankrupt you like the initial release of the Wii U did but lets keep powering through, there’s still a lot more to do. You’ll have so much power and money by now that every developer and gaming company either dissolves into a heap for you to collect their IP’s or they just join up with you. The only one that stands in your way…

Valve.

Easiest solution, buy out Valve, I’m not sure if they’re a public limited company but buy them anyway, even if you have to sell your arm Miyamoto, just do it. Along with Valve, they’ll bring Steam, with Steam we can probably get rid of that ventilation problem, is that where you’re keeping the bodies? The ghosts’ll be going crazy up there, especially since Iwata is up there with two American’s who founded a company called “Naughty Dog”, Hideo Kojima and the lost and found box which oddly enough has a copy of Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts, a half eaten hot dog and 27 Virtual Boys, guessing they weren’t lost accidentally though, ‘ey Miyamoto?

Now that you own Valve, you’re only one step away from completing total world domination. You’ve dominated the gaming industry, you cannot be beaten, you own console and PC gaming all over the world. Only one thing to do now. Buy your own space programme, fly into space with a team of armed bandits and rob the space station. Wait, this seems like Call of Duty Ghosts, doesn’t it?

MIYAMOTO, DISREGARD EVERYTHING I SAID, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN FOR THIS ONE.

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