Virtual Reality, The Oculus Rift and How We’re Going to Kill People With Glasses (A Satirical Article that also pushes the boundaries of article titles, moreso than the previous one)

Just a quick heads up, this article isn’t a review. It’s satire. It’s comedic (I hope) and you probably wont care for it, if you do, be ready, be warned, continue on.

So, after helping out Mr. Miyamoto I thought I’d give my expert advice and opinion on what we’re going to do about all this Virtual Reality nonsense. Because if I’m quite honest, it’s not really in the best shape right now and I can definitely help out. Especially for people with glasses. Damned privilege they have with their funky fucking eye telescopes. Bastards, the lot of them.

Anyway, we’ll touch on the four eyed monsters later, let’s talk about Virtual Reality and the VR Headsets. To be honest, I’m not looking forward to wearing the VR Headest, I’m claustrophobic and it’ll probably bring back flashbacks of ‘nam 1971 and send me round the twist into thinking I’m Forrest god damn Gump. The Sony helmet looks like something straight out of the NASA headquarters, so I’m hoping that means we’re in safe hands, unless there’s another Challenger incident with every VR headset purchased and Sony refuse to recall the faulty products because they’re eager to bring out the cup holder expansion, which at the same time defuses the bomb implanted inside of the headset, thus making Sony a billion dollars richer.

My boss and dear leader Will Watlington and Kommandant Rado were all having a brief discussion about this a while back. Well, I say brief, I called VR a load of bollocks and went on playing High School Musical 3, but none the less, my point still stands. Especially if you have glasses.

But what’s with all the hate towards people with glasses? You sound worse than Donald J. Hitler when you say people with glasses are awful, they can’t help the burdens they have to live with! I have many friends with glasses, in the words of Ronald McDonald Trump Sr. “Some, I presume, are nice people.” Very true, I’m sure that some people with glasses are charming people. I have yet to meet a charming person that wears glasses, the commie scum.

Donald Trump has the right idea, kick every law-abiding American citizen that follows the laws of the country out if they don’t yell the national anthem every morning after they’ve woken up in their red, white and blue pyjamas with a Statue of Liberty alarm clock draped in a Confederate flag, a dartboard pinned to the wall with a photo of Obama so they can throw their empty beer bottles at his photo because their massive racists, that includes those pesky glasses wearing people. It’s like Hot Fuzz, they kill anyone with glasses and I think that’s what we should do. Sure, we’d lose Ade Edmondson, but to be fair, he’s done his bit for society and can look forward to a peaceful time in a concentration camp on the south of the Isle of Man, working his debt to society away. Bottom and The Young Ones wasn’t enough, you need to do more. Like work in the Sony factories and produce the very machines that have destroyed you.

I just hope Virtual Reality doesn’t work if they’ve got their contact lenses in. Jammy sods.


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